I once been a girl who hates their own self.
Oh, darling, sadly I still did.
But, would you fly me to your galaxy, to meet our Father of the world?
Just say yes, it would mean the world to me.
Did I told you already, that I was a sad, sad, sad angel?
So lend me your wings, ‘cause I’m too weak to flap mine.
If I tell you that the demonds had break my mind, would you stay?
The stars were light of my way, and the moon were the light of my heavenly side.
Fly me to your galaxy, He’s been waiting for me to come home.
I’ve got lost, just find me, darling.
We could play hide and seek, but if you can’t find the place where I hide, you’ll be losing me, forever, darling.
I’ll haunt you, my baby boy.
I’ll be your sweetest nightmares, cause that’s what I used to be.
I want to start a brand new life, a brand new me.
I want to live all my fears and throw them outta my door.
Feeling worthless; crying myself to sleep;
I’m in love with my sadness, because love comes when we were usually feels connected, as the times goes by, I let the sadness become the part of my life.
What’s people aint understand is;
Even the red roses have the black shadow- every smiles that I painted, had their own scars.
I smile a lot; laugh a lot; cry a lot.
It’s sad when you got lost in a labyrinth you know you would never get out of.
It’s terrible when you got drown on the endless sea.
I learnt how to dance on fire, like you know you will be burn like toast but you’re trying to get along with it.
I let the sadness murder me, because I’d like to watch myself dying.
Every poetry that I read, seems like world is better to be write into paragraph.
Because, I wish my world were a fiction.
I took a deep breath and close my eyes, feels the air got into my lungs and told my self “Okay darling, sadly you still alive.”
I walk around at my past, just to make sure that it actually happens.
The truth is I let myself fall into the deep dark hole.
They used to love me right now, they used to support me no matter what I’ve been.
But they’re not; cause no one understand; they don’t really care.
They keep telling me “I’m here.”; but on the other side they pushing me away.
It’s like they giving me a dozen of flowers today, but the other day they sending me a bottle of poison.
It’s scary, you know.
To realize that you have no one to talk to when youre in your hardest time of your life.
Its sad to understand that- you know; you’re ALONE. I repeat. YOU’RE ALONE.
This year is the hardest.
Beside of the loneliness I have felt, lets talk about how scared I am.
I don’t want to fall in love again, like I’m so done with man.
I don’t want to fall in love with someone or date them, everyone is taking me for granted like “I want you today, but if someday I got bored, I will leave you alone.”
Do you see my problem?
I feel so desperately lonely, and I don’t even want to fall in love all over again; its tiring you know?
Feel love and butterflies until they get bore and then they will bring you down and-BOOM.
Remember my words okay, whoever you are.
TRUST NO ONE, even your closest family, cause everybody is going to kill you.
“I opened my door for you and you came in and burned my house down.”
—my lungs are filling with smoke but i cant leave (via insanosylum)
“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”
Stephen Chbosky (via kushandwizdom)
This morning, I woke up at 3am, pulled my blanket and tried to close my eyes.
The more I tried, the less it work.
Everytime I close mine those memories came, like a short documentary.
I hate it, when they hit me, terrible-its more terrible than seeing my own funeral.
So I just stared blank into space and cried.
I told my self “It will pass, it takes times.”
Why I pushed people away when I want them to stay?
Why can I be mentally stable?
I was in two options; to continue my life or let my death body laying on the floor.
And I still wondering how it feels if I die.
My biggest fear is being alive.
I can’t handle anything anymore, my head is so scary.
People said “Go outside, live your life.”
Whenever I let myself socialize with others, the more I feel alone at night.
Its like I have two personality, I laught at their jokes and made my own jokes.
But when I’m alone, it all changed.
People said “Just be happy, move your life.”
The biggest problem is, I’m afraid to be happy.
Remember, you’ll never feel pain that extremely kills you without feeling good first.
There is no forever. Even forever ain’t forever.
I’m battling my own self, I fought against my self.
Or maybe I fought against peoples who told me they will never leave.
Hey, my bad boy fairytale, I thought you’ll be the one.
The way you touch me feels like paradise.
The way you kiss me oh my, I’m hypnotized.
You sent me those record “I love you.”
I replied “I love you more.”
But, fairytales isn’t real do they?
I wish I could hold you tight, could stay in your arms.
But now you’re disappear, looking for another girl you might fall in love with.
What you not know, darling, you’ll never forget me, never.
Cause I was tattooed onto your heart, and even you try your best to burn my name, it will leave the scars.
Go tell your friends you dumped me and you’re moving on, go and tell your bad boy friends that you already have a crush on somebody.
They will say “That’s my man.”
What they not know darling, love isn’t only word.
You could say you love her without really mean it.
You’re bigger than me, but I’m smarter than you.
But I once stupid, when I’m loving you.
Sadly now I still did.
You’re the one who brought my depression back.
You’re the one who made me feels small and more unwanted than before.
If you could see all the scars you will regret.
‘Cause what you not know, there is no one who will love you the way I did.
Do you remember when we first date? You say you will come at 2pm.
I wait outside the cinema cause you just too late, I bought you tickets and popcorn.
And when you came, there is no apologize for making me waits that long. You see?
You may go free, but you’ll regret.
Cause no one will ever love you the the way you are, like i was did before darling
I don’t even remember how it feels like to be okay.
There no reason to live anymore.
All the people I used to live with is gone.
You are gone.
Some of them stay just to make sure that I’m perfectly broken.
They keep telling me I’ll never be good enough.
They couldn’t expects me to be fine with all those words.
They shouldn’t makes me feel like I’m lonely and I’m living for them.
There is no time for my self, there is no time to live my life.
‘Cause everyone are so busy with others, pushing me to do what they think I deserve, forcing me to do what’s good for them.
I lost my childhood times, and now I started losing my teenage times.
Why do they expect too much?
What they don’t know, I was battling my own self.
I woke up everyday feeling numb and unwanted.
I shouldn’t feel that way, right?
I rather be in my room alone for years than meet those peoples who doesn’t even want to understand.
The point is I’m just tired with my mind.
Everything is messed up.
What they don’t know I couldn’t be strong anymore, its too much for me.
They makes me feel like I got mental illness, depressed.
If the day come, and I can’t handle everything anymore, I can’t stand it anymore.
Please don’t act like you really care, cause those scars was made by you, all of you.
He used to call me DN / That stood for deadly nightshade / Cause I was filled with poison / But blessed with beauty and rage / Jim told me that / He hit me and it felt like a kiss / Jim brought me back / Reminded me of when we were kids /
I shake it off